move on already ashley!

who needs a heart like mine
not you
who needs a body like mine
not you

oh how i still love you with all my heart and every breath i take.
too bad it's not mutual.

ugh focus on myself, focus on myself, focus on myself, focus on myself
keep busy. move on.

a new life

I have changed my life around for the better. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a job so I don't feel worthless (but i got laid off till honda's parts come in from japan, I work in a factory making car shifters for chrysler and honda+i love my job) I am not dependent on a relationship and that makes me happy. The dunes open tomorrow and I am pretty excited because its been a ghost town around here in Silver lake, oh yeah I don't live in Branch anymore, thank heavens! I am ready to mingle with new people.. See if any catch my eye if ya know what I mean :P I am just glad I am not a depressed hermit anymore!

I feel

Nothing.

Is there such thing as soul mates or true/real/everlasting love for that matter?

as in this moment I don't feel heart broken.

I wish I had never fallen in love with you. I hate myself for it. What the fuck happened. My life keeps getting more and more complicated with each passing day. I hate where I live, I hate my step father, but most of all I hate that I love you. goodbye.

last night

I really wanted to die.. I have no worth, no job, hardly any friends, things would be easier without me, I hate where I live, I hate most of the world and their petty issues and I hate money.. I feel like a huge burden. my eyes well up with tears all day long. It hurts to live lately. I still wanna die.

going in circles

My mind is eating me alive. I can't decide what I want. I will be miserable either way I think.

Chiyoye

I renamed myself today to Chiyoye, it's Japanese for everlasting pain.
It may seem dramatic, but  it is very fitting for me.
I am always going through some sort of hardship.
Ashley, is way too common of a name and I feel unique so I should have a unique name right?


I have been so bored and depressed, there really is nothing to do here. I need to get crafty.
I am also getting glasses very very soon, and I am very excited about seeing! plus they are super cute.
I have a lot to do with no way of doing it...
like get a divorce.
get tested.
take Maelay to the vet.


someone save me..
I miss having friends.

give me a reason to love you

I crave stability.
always thrown in a whirlwind of uncertainty.
My life is nothing, I have nothing to offer but love, I am not good at anything.
worthless

I wish i could  be loved  like the way I love you.
all i have to give is whats left of my heart.

I haven't felt at home

Maelay, has been out of the house and it doesn't feel like home with out her.

It doesn't matter where we are or how bad the situation is, Maelay brings comfort to my life, an "I am home" feeling. I truly feel lost without her. She is my best friend. I need her back in my life, asap.

spewing feelings.

I always listen to portishead in the winter, it seems fitting for some reason.
Winter to me has a sad eerie feeling to it, I always become depressed for no real reason at all.  My Brain, likes to pretend things are worse than they really are. I space out and come up with false scenarios in my head and sometimes believe them to be true. I get so angry with myself afterwords and it dampers my mood....I do not understand it.
I need more things to do.
I need a job.
I need my own place for Maelay and I.
I need to feel worth something to myself and others.

I need some friends. good ones.

I need these bad feelings to go away. yep.

Dear Brain,

Please shut off, just for a little while.

Dear January,

how I loathe thee!
depression.
insecurity.
separation.
emptiness.
cold.
uncertainty.
loss.
stress.
I could do with out these. 
insincerely,
ash