going in circles

My mind is eating me alive. I can't decide what I want. I will be miserable either way I think.

Chiyoye

I renamed myself today to Chiyoye, it's Japanese for everlasting pain.
It may seem dramatic, but  it is very fitting for me.
I am always going through some sort of hardship.
Ashley, is way too common of a name and I feel unique so I should have a unique name right?


I have been so bored and depressed, there really is nothing to do here. I need to get crafty.
I am also getting glasses very very soon, and I am very excited about seeing! plus they are super cute.
I have a lot to do with no way of doing it...
like get a divorce.
get tested.
take Maelay to the vet.


someone save me..
I miss having friends.

give me a reason to love you

I crave stability.
always thrown in a whirlwind of uncertainty.
My life is nothing, I have nothing to offer but love, I am not good at anything.
worthless

I wish i could  be loved  like the way I love you.
all i have to give is whats left of my heart.

I haven't felt at home

Maelay, has been out of the house and it doesn't feel like home with out her.

It doesn't matter where we are or how bad the situation is, Maelay brings comfort to my life, an "I am home" feeling. I truly feel lost without her. She is my best friend. I need her back in my life, asap.

spewing feelings.

I always listen to portishead in the winter, it seems fitting for some reason.
Winter to me has a sad eerie feeling to it, I always become depressed for no real reason at all.  My Brain, likes to pretend things are worse than they really are. I space out and come up with false scenarios in my head and sometimes believe them to be true. I get so angry with myself afterwords and it dampers my mood....I do not understand it.
I need more things to do.
I need a job.
I need my own place for Maelay and I.
I need to feel worth something to myself and others.

I need some friends. good ones.

I need these bad feelings to go away. yep.

Dear Brain,

Please shut off, just for a little while.

Dear January,

how I loathe thee!
depression.
insecurity.
separation.
emptiness.
cold.
uncertainty.
loss.
stress.
I could do with out these. 
insincerely,
ash